Imagine for a second that Melbourne was actually a video game. What would the game-end boss be?
Maybe it’s a certain part of Melbourne that’s a pain in the arse to drive around.
Perhaps it’s some ridiculous Connex mission that you have to overcome.
Or could it be that the final game-end boss is a gigantic John Brumby mutated by a nuclear meltdown, swinging from the Rialto?
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Melburnians stop wearing black. That would be the end of Melbourne as we know it.
I’d say Jeff Kennett, in his Hawthorn jacket
You have to beat sense into Kosky and Brumby in order to win.
Make a successful hook turn without being blasted by an impatient taxi. Drive from Latrobe Street to Flinders down Elizabeth Street in less than 5 red stop lights/under 15 minutes.
robert doyle, at 3am on a saturday morning. not a taxi in sight.
successfully eliminate every single hipster chillin’ on degraves.
Successfully find some good eccies, yes that would be great… impossible in Melbourne!
Taking out every one of those little goth wannabe dipshits on flinders steps while avoiding their flicking of cigarette butts and useless conversation (no idea if they’re still there, i gave up on flinders a long time ago)
or Connex inspectors!
Zombie John So!!
A giant vermin-infested pigeon.
The anthropomorphic personification of the BFP (Big, uh, Freaking Pole) in the middle of the Corner Hotel.
Especially when he had his ‘Movember’ stache. *shudders*
I love you, marry me
It’d be a giant John Soh, attacking the city, Godzilla style, with that stupid brainless grin of his
being chased down collins st through the crush of suits at 5:05pm on a friday. by a gang of marauding metcops. in the rain.
Sydney.
Jeff’s Erection. You know that big yellow pole thing on the way to the airport or wherever it is. Imagine a giant jaudiced fallace attacking you with globs of some sort of sticky stuff. Then smashing you in the face.
. . . Thanks to regular saves, you’ll survive the infuriating Southern Cross jumping-puzzle level (where an as-yet unpatched bug ensures the game crashes every time you look at one of the Train Timetable display screens,) only to be horribly disappointed by the over-hyped “art level”, where your avatar switches to the point of view of an aged pensioner as they crawl through Federation Square, dying of moral outrage at the absence of any 45 or 90 degree angles.
Their corpse eventually winds up crumpled at the entrance to the not-Apple Store on Flinders, where you’re returned to your main character for a Jetset Radio Future inspired mince down Swanston Street after an elf thrusts a magical iPod Nano into your hand.
After an on-rails shooter takes you from the City to Fitzroy Crumpler stores (urinating on any laptop bag that isn’t designed to fit a Macbook,) the view switches to third person for a bloody and merciless rampage through swarms of architects. Every button performs a special move, and you’re quite frankly floored by the variety of detailed ex-, imp- and ab-plosions used to dispatch the eager throng as they attempt to thrust site plans into your Crumpler satchel.
A 2 hour cutscene is seamlessly inserted into the gameplay as soon as you find and disembowel the King Architect, bringing a satisfying and emotionally uplifting conclusion to many of the games themes, and a surprisingly lucid explanation for that early level where you have to whip a junkie around Melbourne Central.
The final twist is swift, compelling, terrifying and inevitable, and the final battle with the every single Pasta Restaurant in Lygon Street, animated by pure rage at your not having paid back that $10,000 you borrowed to buy eccies at the very start of the game and twisted into the form of a giant Wallaby with disproportionately massive testacles borrows the best parts of God of War and Halo 3.
To say any more would spoil the resolution, but anyone who dares play Melbourne at the highest difficulty level will not be disappointed by the alternate romantic-comedy ending.
Sure. If you can defeat the BFP.
In my version there would be football traffic and having to get across town to your waitressing job. Not the right change for the ticket machine, alternating sweltering heat and rain…
Julia Gillard in Altona! Nuff Said!
Deflating Eddie McGuires head on Grand Final day with Collingwood holding a big half time lead.
On the final level you jump out of a taxi doing a runner, get chased by 10 taxi drivers down king street bash Chris hudson (CBD murderer) then run through a strip club take on the bikies, get all the drugs to the boss (Mike Gatto) you gives you the final mission to deliver a kilo or cocaine to Ricky Nixon, the Stkilda schoolgirl and myself who are in a Sam Newman penthouse in Brighton
How about those giant bees on the side of that building near fresh water place and eureka skydeck? :)
It’d have to be some kind of evil metro train lord, I say whilst I type this waiting for a train…